Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
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[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Worst bar ever.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still