you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
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My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Feels
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Always the camel, never the toe.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
🤣🤣
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…