The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
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I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
“Sheer Arrogance”
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*