If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?