Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
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Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]