[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
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damn he’s good
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.