Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
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Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Ladies, why y’all do this?
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Time for evil
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
So creative 😂
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.