Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
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“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*