[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
You Might Also Like
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
me opening up to someone
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack