INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
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Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Self-cleaning conscience
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things