I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
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Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I’d rather fork than spoon.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.