*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
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*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
The “baby” on the left….
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!