I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
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Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets