psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
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At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I want this so bad
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I already tried new things thanks.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)