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Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️