What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
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hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
British websites use biscuits.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company