Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
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A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
The prophecy is fulfilled
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP