[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
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I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.