I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
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Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Breaking news:
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
☺️
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.