The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
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[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.