Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
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I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
The only equipped I am is ill.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.