Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
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It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
work smarter, not harder
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me