So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
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Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Me trying to reach for my goals
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.