[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
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BRO LMFAO
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Woke up against my better judgement again
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich