Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
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Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country