i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
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O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Noah
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Well, shit
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.