ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
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it’s the silliest best thing
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.