Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
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(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?