ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
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if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
that lip filler tho
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
I love the honesty