If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
You Might Also Like
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
If you know, you know
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together