I was once killed by a shark escalator.
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Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.