Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
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*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
this is 10/10 content no notes
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
My background check bounced.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.