In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
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Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
sin harder.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.