You Might Also Like
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.