My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
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The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Me in tagged photos
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self