Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
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We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
thanks auntie mary
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”