CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
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Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Geez man, take it easy.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
accurate
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.