[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
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The Others (2001)
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
the simulation is moving too fast
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube