My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
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Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…