Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
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Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Meat Cute
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks