I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
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Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I’m not proud
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I’ve been learning to cook.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
That’s not how days work.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.