I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
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When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Skills
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.