harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
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My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.