Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
You Might Also Like
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Try and stop me.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did