NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Banking tips
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.