Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
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911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Happy thanksgiving
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look