skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
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I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined