I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
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“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments