*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
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me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.