Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
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[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Battery falling down a hole
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
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My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced